I would like to start this post with a poem by Danusha Lameris.
Small Kindnesses
I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk
down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs
to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you”
when someone sneezes, a leftover
from the Bubonic Plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying.
And sometimes, when you spill lemons
from your grocery bag, someone else will help you
pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other.
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot,
and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile
at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress
to call us honey when she sets down a bowl of clam chowder,
and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
We have so little of each other, now. So far
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “ Go ahead- you first,” “I like your hat.”
– Danusha Lameris
One thing strikes me about this poem, which is part of a wonderful collection called Bonfire Opera, published in 2020. When written, it must have been pre-pandemic, as Lameris calls a ‘bless you’ in response to a sneeze “a leftover from the Bubonic plague, while we live very much today with a fear of what a cough or runny nose might mean for ourselves and others. Not much of a leftover anymore. It shows how much our world has changed in a short time, and how many of us are feeling at a loss of what we can do to feel better or to help others – at a time there is so much loss, uncertainty and change due to the pandemic.
Small kindness is no small thing.
Recently, a client told me about how he went into a coffee shop and handed the barista a bill much larger than normally used to buy a cup of coffee. He stated, “please use this money to buy everyone behind me in line their cup of coffee until it runs out”. The owners of the coffee shop showed approval and excitement to be able to tell their patronage their coffee was free — due to the kindness from a stranger.
My client wrote to me:
“The staff looked like they were walking on air as they told people their coffee was paid for. Folks dragging their way to work held their heads higher and quickened their pace back to their cars. Three seasoned ladies shared a little hug when they found out”.
And the impact it had on my client?
Well, as he watched the first few responses of people being told they didn’t have to pay for their coffee, and he said that it was some of the best therapy he had!
The impact on the coffee customers is maybe surprising given a coffee paid for is saving someone less than $5. But obviously the money saved isn’t the point. Being given something without question of what will be owed back is something people aren’t used to receiving often. We are a society of ledgers. We often don’t trust why someone would want to help us if there isn’t something also in it for them. We are taught to be vigilant of keeping score; keeping everything in balance so what we give (or receive) isn’t taken for granted or exploited.
We have learned to not trust free kindness.
In fact, my client shared with me later that when going back to the coffee shop another day the baristas shared stories from the ‘free coffee day”. The baristas told him there was an “elderly man that they had to argue into accepting the free coffee, wondering about the catch or gimmick, and not wanting to owe anyone”. Can’t blame him too much given most of the time we are lured into a sea of advertising promising us things (happiness even) only to find out there is a much larger cost than first presented. But also… how sad he struggled to trust the gift.
And what about when we are the giver of free kindness?
Maybe you have heard how an antidote to depression is an ‘act of service’. When we are helping others, our focus goes outward to places we have agency to make a difference, where we can have a positive impact and we can feel a sense of purpose which in turn helps ourselves. Therapists often suggest to struggling clients to find an organization to volunteer or reach out to friends and loved ones on a more regular basis. Simply, we feel better when we are in the acts of service to others, no matter how small the act, and this includes very small, seemingly insignificant acts like described in Lameris’ poem.
Although not in poetry, another voice advocating the importance of practicing small kindnesses is John Gottman, one of the most well-known researchers on relationships, and creator of the-gottman-method – one of the most widely used modalities in Couples Therapy. According to Gottman, “successful long term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts”. Periodic large bouquets of roses and trips to Hawaii are nice, but will never nurture or sustain a relationship the way a practice of daily small gratitudes, compliments, and helpful gestures will.
Small acts of kindness
What’s wonderful about small acts of kindness is that we can do them often — every day even– giving us a frequent renewed sense of purpose and impact. We don’t have to save someone’s life, or spend lots of money or time on someone in order to be kind. We can see they have two items in their grocery cart compared to our large load and let them go ahead of us in the check out line. We can tell a loved one that we liked the coffee they made this morning even though we have that coffee every day . We can say “thanks” even if it is someone’s “job” to take out the garbage. Small kindness is the most underestimated and powerful superpower we ALL have!
As Lamerius says about small kindnesses in her poem, they just may be the way we still can “have each other”, finding ourselves around “a fire with our tribe”.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here, have my seat,” “ Go ahead- you first,” “I like your hat.”
Writing Exercise Ideas
- Write about a time when you encountered a “small kindness” (either receiving or giving, or both). Describe in detail what happened and how it made you feel.
- Write a list of ‘small kindnesses’ you would like to bring into your daily life with a loved one or ones.
- Write your own poem or essay entitled “Small Kindnesses”
- What comes up for you when you read the line from Lamerius’ poem “Mostly we don’t want to harm each other”?
- What would it feel like to give a small kindness to someone you have hard feelings for?
Feel free to share with me what you wrote via email at ellyn@sixwillows.com. If you’d like feedback or have a discussion about what came up for you, let me know and we can schedule a time to talk.